Interview with an Across user

After some recent controversies on social media concerning the experience of bearing... uh, working with Across and the sort of translators who wax enthusiastic about the platform, I thought it an appropriate time to take another look at this premium tool and what it offers to premium translators. So I asked around to see who had experience and was directed to Ima Newbie, CEO of Redlight Translations LEC.

TT: Thank you for joining me this afternoon, Ima. How are things going for you?

IN: Just great! Lotsa runnin' on the wheel, keepin' fit! My coach says I've got a winning attitude and if I drop my rates and maybe my pants some more, soon I'll be too busy to sit down!

TT: Let's talk about translation tools. You use Across, don't you?

IN: Oh yes I do, and it's wonderful! So much work out there, and rates so much better than I deserve! I am truly grateful for the opportunities it gives me.

TT: Really??? That's not what I hear from others.

IN: Oh, well, don't listen to those arrogant ivory tower assholes with their elitist attitudes about work and all their bragging. They just don't understand. It's about freedom. And work. And freedom to work. And work that makes you free!

TT: Yes, don't you love the smell of freedom in the morning? I know I do. So how did you get here?

IN: Same as it ever was, really. I sent out thousands of CVs, translated for free without borders, even did some great stuff for ProZ to help spread the word for Robert Mugabe at One World University in Mozambique, dropped my rates so far I was paying to translate, but nothing helped. All the agencies wanted was linguistic skills and subject matter experience. And then I found my InstaGuru and Enlightenment™ – and the key to unlock my success!

TT: How's that?

IN: Well I met this guy on LinkedIn who told me that CAT tools aren't for dogs and that each species must seek its ecological niche in servitude. That was really profound. He woke me up to smell the cherry blossoms, and I realized where to go!

TT: Where?

IN: To Hell, of course, but not by the highway. Everybody does that. It's the easy way. But you know what they say, "No pain, no gain!" And the pain of bearing Across really nails it for me and ensures that I'll be saved the trouble of competing on the basis of skills and knowledge I don't have.

TT: Sort of salvation through damnation, I suppose?

IN: Exactly! No more elitist bullshit from those who have it easy after decades of perfecting their knowledge and technique and learning to optimize productivity with a fine-tuned balance of appropriate technologies for the task. That's so Victorian. I'm a modern kinda guy, and I'm gonna party like it's 1934!

TT: Uh... I hate to tell you, but it's 2019.

IN: Same thing! Just ask the experts! Donald Trump! Viktor Orban! Jair Bolsonaro! Stalin! Uh, I mean Putin. All this cosmopolitan propaganda has clouded your mind. Real men get really productive and maximize their freedom through work entirely controlled by real or virtual barbed wire fences and helpful guidance from guard towers to watch over us and keep us safe from the corrupting influence of rational thought or software inspired by such thought. Working for my masters with Across, I no longer have to worry about managing all my reference resources and data. I don't have any of that – it's all on massa's server. This gives me the freedom to exercise and stay fit on the work wheel.

TT: What was that? You are mumbling. What's that stuffed in your cheeks? 

IN: Chicken feed. Want some?

TT: No thanks.

IN: How about some peanuts instead?

TT: Uh, no. Let's get back to the topic. Why Across? Why not memoQ? Or OmegaT? Or Wordfast, for example.

IN: Oh, anyone can use that stuff! It doesn't take any patience, and it leaves clients with too many choices.

TT: I don't understand the problem. What's bad about choices? 

IN: Well, you see, working with Across, the job is in the bag, so to speak. Nobody else wants it, and the companies that rely on Across servers for their translation management are grateful to find anyone who will put up with the abuse. So all that elitist nonsense like qualifications doesn't really matter. It's a win-win situation!

TT: I've got a feeling that someone is losing something....

IN: Yeah, all those ivory tower translators spoiled for work because they can take their pick and use tools that enable them to take on nearly any technical challenge in translation and collaborate easily with colleagues when they need to based on the principles of tool interoperability. Those losers always have to think of what to do next. Not me. Across has no interoperability. It's where translation data goes to die, like a virtual Auschwitz. And that's great. I don't have to think about all that complicated stuff, just do what I'm told and enjoy the freedom of my work free from planning and full of gain from pain.    

TT: OK, I've got just one more question....

IN: Sorry, I'm out of time. Daylight come and me wanna go home. 

Translating in the trenches....

The other day I was chatting with a colleague about snarky communications with clients and vendors, and she reminded me of a delightful gem of a blog which, though it only had a run of five months, provided a lot of smiles and laughs to fellow translators, most especially those involved in some way with German translation. This was in the days before all the foolishness of "branding" and style over substance.

For a good time, check out https://trenchtranslation.blogspot.com/

The Five Million Euro Translator

It's always nice when clients understand the value of your work. So I was pleased this morning to receive the following proposal from one of my oldest and dearest clients, who has stuck with me through thick and thin for some 16 years now:

It's always a pleasure to hear from old friends and clients, especially from those who pay fair rates - something I'm told is an increasingly rare phenomenon these days. I have a bad habit of forgetting to raise rates on old clients, so much so that sometimes they become embarrassed by how cheap I am compared to less qualified alternatives, so from time to time they simply offer increases themselves to overcome a sense of personal embarrassment.

My friend's agency has been doing rather well lately, so I had contemplated sending her a notice of rate increase, maybe to celebrate my upcoming birthday or Christmas. But Mrs. Klaus apparently decided that Christmas would come early this year when she jacked my word rate up to more than €798 per word. The total compensation for the job amounts to about €5.3 million for about 5 days' work that I can do in a day if I push myself. So the next time someone asks me for my "best rate" on a project, I have a new benchmark to quote :-)

For quite a few years now, the Poverty Cult of translators has whined that rates are in decline and that one cannot make a good living as a translator. I beg to differ. But success as a translator requires the right mix of skills, persistence and superior branding. Take it from the expert. Me.

Yours truly,

The Five Million Euro Translator

A Mox on all their houses!

Alejandro Moreno-Ramos is a translating electromechanical engineer working from French and English to European Spanish who for years has captured the essence of translators' tribulations with his Mox cartoons, which are available online at the Mox blog and from Amazon in two hardcopy collections, Mox: Illustrated Guide to Freelance Translation and Mox II: What they don't tell you about translation.

The blog went quiet about two year ago, but recently Alejandro has begun to publish his cartoons again to the great delight of his fans. It takes one from the trenches to represent the profession with an honesty and clarity you'll never see from the Common (Non-)Sense Advisory and the rest of the bog. Check out Mox's blog and enjoy!

Germany needs Porsches! And Microsoft has the Final Solution....

I hear that Germany is suffering from a shortage of Porsches. Odd, given that the cars are made there and should be readily available, but it's true, because my friend who lives there told me. He owns a large, successful LSP (Linguistic Sausage Production) company, and to celebrate its rise in revenues, he decided to get everyone on the sales staff a new Porsche as a company car. The problem is that he can't find any for €5000 euros.

So he was left with no choice but to cut overhead using the latest technologies. Microsoft to the rescue! With Microsoft Dictate, his crew of  intern sausage technologists now speak customer texts into high-quality microphones attached to their Windows 10 service stations, and these are translated instantly into sixty target languages. As part of the company's ISO 9001-certified process, the translated texts are then sent for review to experts who actually speak and perhaps even read the respective languages before the final, perfected result is returned to the customer. This Linguistic Inspection and Accurate Revision process is what distinguishes the value delivered by Globelinguatrans GmbHaha from the TEPid offerings of freelance "translators" who won't get with the program.

But his true process engineering genius is revealed in Stage Two: the Final Acquisition and Revision Technology Solution. There the fallible human element has been eliminated for tighter quality control: texts are extracted automatically from the attached documents in client e-mails or transferred by wireless network from the Automated Scanning Service department, where they are then read aloud by the latest text-to-speech solutions, captured by microphone and then rendered in the desired target language. Where customers require multiple languages, a circle of microphones is placed around the speaker, with each microphone attached to an independent, dedicated processing computer for the target language. Eliminating the error-prone human speakers prevents contamination of the text by ums, ahs and unedited interruptions by mobile phone calls from friends and lovers, so the downstream review processes are no longer needed and the text can be transferred electronically to the payment portal, with customer notification ensuing automatically via data extracted from the original e-mail.

Major buyers at leading corporations have expressed excitement over this innovative, 24/7 solution for globalized business and its potential for cost savings and quality improvements, and there are predictions that further applications of the Goldberg Principle will continue to disrupt and advance critical communications processes worldwide.

Articles have appeared in The Guardian, The Huffington Post, The Wall Street Journal, Forbes and other media extolling the potential and benefits of the LIAR process and FARTS. And the best part? With all that free publicity, my friend no longer needs his sales staff, so they are being laid off and he has upgraded his purchase plans to a Maserati.

Veganazis in translation: a fifth column for ISIS?

The Translation Conference Organizer's Final Confession

First they asked for kosher food and separate plates, and I gave it to them, because after all, religious practice should be respected—
though I am not a Jew.

Then they asked for halal food, and I thought "why not?", the Muslims I know are mostly cool—
though Islam is not my Way.

Then they asked for vegetarian food and got it—
Because I am a vegetarian.

Then they asked for vegan fare and it was done—
Because that diet helped Clinton lose weight.

Then they asked for "raw vegan" and I said, "What?"—

Because I know raw text, raw emotions, raw deals, raw sex, but can't get my head around a raw vegan.

Then they came for me—and put me on trial for eating honey and contributing to the enslavement of bees. Please God, let them kill me now before I eat another carrot stick.

New Frontiers in Electroconvulsive Translation

Linguistic Sausage Providers and corporate commodity traders have struggled for years to come to grips with the shocking persistence of translator resistance to advanced technologies such as Human Assisted Machine Synthesis of Translation and Editing of Rubbish (HAMSTER) and Clownsourced Rendering of All Price Sensitive Translations for Utterly Fantastic Text (CRAPSTUFT). Attempts to incentivize wordworkers with faith-based rate reports from the Common Nonsense Advisory, bonus bags of peanutZ, letters of encouragement and even working vacations in Across re-education camps have failed to increase cooperation of "professional" translators to target levels.

There is good news at last, however. As a result of close collaboration and exchange with key LSPs and government agencies in Russia, North Korea and the United States with an advanced understanding of motivational techniques, new electrical feedback methods have been developed to bring even expert translators into line with the expectations and requirements of our Brave New Information Age. Thus it was with pleasure that I learned of funding by the EU's Ministry of Information Access (MIA) for a new research initiative and summer Ph.D. indoctrination program at universities across Europe. Already, major LSPs such as Liarsbridge, thepigturd and Moreslavia have agreed to divert postediting resources from the Soylent Rainbow project in the Russian Republic to feed the new initiative.

Contributions from German and Chinese translation research in the solar industry will also ensure that the new motivational technologies are totally green, like optimally motivated translators. Improvements in speech recognition technology have facilitated the use of green geothermal blanketing methods, in which translators are buried up to the neck in warm sand near anthills and their heads smeared with honey as they are taught to dictate text quickly and accurately to cope with the explosion of demand for affordable corporate wordwork. Combined with the latest solar-powered convulsive motivators keyed to throughput rates and edit distance, considerable advances in cost savings and human resource recycling are expected.

SDL has also announced its contribution to the new productivity initiative: an OpenExchange extension modeled on Kilgray's memoQ Zen feature. As is always the case when it follows the leader, the Maidenhead-based company has introduced a clever twist developed by Securitate-trained programmers at its new development center in Cluj, Romania. Instead of the trippy hippie space music used by the Hungarian company to produce an unproductive, trance-like state of Translation Enlightenment, the improved SDL plug-in will electrify translators with exciting buzzer sounds and a USB-powered surge of motivation to optimize acceptance of machine-translated content. This can be delivered anywhere, but it is expected that most will find their muse with the wired underpants included with delivery, which bear the inspirational message "I ❤ Sodrat".

The pilot launch of the program is planned as part of this summer's Translation Data Analytics program in Copenhagen. Volunteer applications will be accepted by the organizers until the end of May, after which the required numbers will be made up by lottery from the membership of ProZ.com and Translators Cafe.

thebogword stands for tradition! Like droit du seigneur.

After the unfair parodical attacks by piratical parrots like Yours Truly, thebogword, in consultation with the MoJ, Capita and other agents of social reform and control, has taken necessary steps to silence unruly laughter at the expense of one of Crony Capital's shiniest knights in the service of language.

New clauses in thebogword'Z Online Contract ensure that freelancers will toe the line and show due deference or face painful bowel movements and other consequences as pins are inserted in voodoo dolls bearing their images:

7.14. For the duration of this Agreement and for a period of three years thereafter, you agree that you shall not publish or participate in any online or print media in which the content is abusive and/or defamatory and/or a parody of us and/or our officers and/or our employees and /or their families and/or in which you impersonate us and/or our officers and/or our employees and/or their families.
7.15: You acknowledge that a breach of the provisions in clause 7.14 would cause us irreparable injury for which we would not have an adequate remedy at law. In the event of a breach, you agree that we shall be entitled to injunctive relief in addition to any other remedies we may have at law or in equity.

Note carefully the words

"... you agree that you shall not ... participate in any online ... media in which the content is ... a parody of us and/or our officers and/or our employees ..."

You have been warned. If you are a current or future contractor of thebogword, alias thepigturd, cosa nostra or The Big Word, you must not participate in this medium or any other in which unsanctified content appears. Violators will face appropriate divine retribution. You must particularly refrain from posting any comments on this blog in agreement or dispute, even in the defense of porcine persons, natural or legal, and their right to leave their digestive end products in places of their choice in language professions. Nor are you permitted to participate in online venues such as Facebook, ProZ.com, Translators Café or elsewhere, which have been or shall be identified as containing content in violation of Section 7.14 of the Online Contract.

In so doing you also grant your implicit consent pursuant to the spirit of Section 7.14 OC i.c.w. the will of the Privy Council of thepigturd, to wit that you grant your full and voluntary consent in accordance with capital Principles of Capital and in acknowledgement of the social engineering contributions of theturd and its frustrated, underpaid Executive Excellency, and surrender cheerfully from this day forth your virgin person or a suitable substitute, male or female, not to exceed eleven years in age, to serve the Higher Corporate Power of theturd in ways necessary for consideration over and above the value added in HAMPsTr processes and other instruments of its profit and control.

These measures are the just and necessary sequelae of the continued unfairness of no remedy at law for a sense of humor not shared by those of the porcine persuasion. Further steps will also include another 15% reduction in your language service fees to fund the next executive bonus required to soothe a bruised ego.

About your defective translation....

Dear Mr. Svenson, 

Thank you for the timely delivery of your translation which we acknowledge herewith. It was not easy to find someone to undertake a technical translation of this kind from German to Swedish at such short notice.

However, upon proofreading your work, we noticed a careless error, which we would like you to correct. The German expression for the dimensions LxBxH (Länge x Breite x Höhe, or length x width x height) has not been translated. Please correct that and send us the new version with your invoice corrected to account for our effort in this matter!

Respectfully yours,

Ima Genial, M.D., Ph.D., M.O.U.S.E., F.U.C.U.
Director of Purchasing
Brilliant Products GmbH & Co. KG

*******

Dear Dr. Genial,

Please be advised that the Swedish expression for  "length x width x height" is "längd x bredd x höjd" and thus the use of LxBxH is appropriate in both Swedish and German.

Best regards,

Sven Svenson

*******

Dear Mr. Svenson, 

Thank you for your information regarding the expression of dimensions in Swedish. There is still, however, a problem remaining regarding your invoice. You have charged for the translation of 173 words, but "LxBxH" occurs six times in the text. Because it does not need to be translated, it should not be charged, of course. The accounting department has determined that your word count includes a improper charge for this expression, and we will be most grateful if you can correct this properly so that your invoice may be paid in a timely manner in 90 days according to our procedures.

Respectfully yours,

Ima Genial, M.D., Ph.D., M.O.U.S.E., F.U.C.U.
Director of PurchasingBrilliant Products GmbH & Co. KG

*******

Dear Genius,

My prior communication was copied and pasted directly from the text of one of five previous communications with your firm in the past three months in which I have been asked to address the same issue. I have attached my amended invoice, which has been updated to include charges for this correspondence text on five of the now six occasions altogether. As is appropriate for a valued customer who does business with me so frequently, I have applied a discount to the repetitive text, although according to the service contract between us, such discounts are required only for actual translation text. But I believe in rewarding good relationships, and the one with your company shall remain ever on my mind.

Hochachtungsvoll,

Sven Svenson

The Translators of Lal Bagh

One afternoon, the CEO of The Pig Turd was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We're translators, and we don't have any money for food," the man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the CEO of The Pig Turd said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the CEO of The Pig Turd replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the CEO of The Pig Turd answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once under way, one of the translators turned to the CEO of The Pig Turd and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The CEO of The Pig Turd replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high!"

Tough times in the sty...

We are writing to advise you that The Pig Turd is to amend the fees it pays to translators. This will bring The Pig Turd into line with other large linguistic whorehouses that are servicing the needs of large Government and Corporate contracts. This has been driven by changes in the way that these organisations operate which has created a downward pressure on costs. Coupled with an increased cost of sales and significantly extended sales cycle, this has eroded margins to the point where the rates that we are currently paying you are not viable in this very competitive market place.

I would like to explain the efforts we put into generating business which creates work for you as one little cog in a wheel of 4,000 translators in more than 70 countries who slave at the wordface for us every month.

At present, The Pig Turd employs 60 sales people worldwide who, as a group have to take 80 flights a month, and on average these martyrs to the Cause must spend 2-3 nights a week away from their families and homes, seeking whatever comfort and entertainment can be found with their fat expense accounts on lonely nights. We employ a further 50 people who recruit, interview and impose unpaid tests on wannabe linguists in order to maintain the known standard of our service. In addition, we monitor our global wordforce with more than 250 overseers from our 10 global offices who interfere between end customers and yourselves. We also have over 50 people working on our technology so that we can improve our internal efficiency or at least screw down costs and provide our executives with the state-of-the-art company vehicles and other perks they deserve, and that you need to represent your service to the world.

However, having said all of this, never before has our industry experienced such huge downward bowel pressure from both the private and public sector to reduce prices. This, of course, is not necessarily for their own profit but simply a reaction to the state of world economies. At The Pig Turd we have endeavoured to keep our rates to the highest possible level whilst keeping your compensation in line, but your rates continue to impact the profitability of the company and the job satisfaction of those who live off your efforts. Therefore, with effect from Thursday 18th July, The Pig Turd will reduce the rates paid by 15% in the hopes that profits can remain at record levels and our representatives can travel in style as they seek new words for you to mine. These rate changes are not retrospective but will apply to any new work received from Thursday 18th July 2013, though reductions in current projects as voluntary contributions to executive relief at The Pig Turd will be given due consideration in the priority assignment of future projects.

21 lucky translators can't pass this one up, surely?

From: Ricky Ricardo
To: (a list of 21 lucky sworn translators in the Berlin area)
Subject: Translation order for ENG - Ricky Ricardo


Hello,


I would like to order certified translations from German to English from you for the documents in the attachment for purposes of submission to a bank in Spain.


Please consider the following information in calculating your fee:


- 3a_RicardoR_PaySlipsMarMay2012: Translation of the two pay records
- 3TC_RicardoR_TaxCard_CinterionWM
- 4_RICARDO PERON, RICARDO - Income Tax Declaration2011: Total cost and per page
- 4_RICARDO PERON, RICARDO - Income Tax Statement 2011: Total cost and per page (1,2 and 4)
- 4TC_RicardoR_TaxCard_CarmeqVW
- 5_RicardoR_CreditBureauSCHUFA_Certification_201206: Total cost and per page (1,3 and 4)


Can you accept this job? If so, how much would it cost? Please include an overview of the corresponding amounts for each individual document.


Please indicate the time for processing and possibly suggestions as to whether it is possible to translate only the relevant lines or pages with information (particularly for the documents where "total cost and per page" is indicated). How would the amount be re-calculated in this case?


If you have separate questions regarding this assignment, please feel free to send me your questions. I look forward to your answer; thanks in advance!


Best regards,


Ricky Ricardo

Dear Ricky,

Thank you for taking the time to research the names and e-mail addresses of so many qualified colleagues from the online translators' directory of the German translators' association BDÜ. Some of that effort might have been better invested in considering whether a mass mailing of this sort will really produce the desired result of detailed costing based on unclear instructions.
Fortunately, there are some service providers eminently qualified to provide you with the service you deserve. The Eurozone Translations Group (http://www.eurozonetranslations.com/) has all the right stuff to stuff that translation where it needs to go.


Best regards,


Kevin Lossner

A sermon from Ede

Last September the Association of Translation Agencies (ATA) in the Netherlands hosted a one-day conference entitled "The Future is Here". Previous guest posts have described some of the workshops presented, but I have only now received permission to repost a summary from a private translators' forum which best captures the spirit of said future.

***

And it came to pass that the leaders of the translation industry in the Netherlands did host a gathering where visionaries and evangelists of Machine Translation did come to spread their knowledge to the truly ignorant and preach The Word to lowly translators, whom they knew as ‘workers’, for there had been much wailing and gnashing of teeth about Machine Translation.

Those preachers did include the wondersome Renato Beninatto, a self-professed agent provocateur and erstwhile owner of Common Sense Advisory (and truly he is clever for he doth qualify all of his doings with the words ‘but no promises’). And so it was that the great Renato spake unto those assembled before him, to inspire them and let them be informed of the principles of Machine Translation so that they might practice them. And yea, his words fell on them like rain and they did listen to his preachings unquestioningly.

One of his audience spake of quality, a truly reprehensible word, but Renato was not angry and was gentle with him and did explain to him at great length and with supreme patience why the word quality shall not be uttered, for it is verily vanity to speak of quality in thyself: quality is subjective and translators shall not allow the word quality to pass their lips, nor shall they worship at the shrine of quality; he who speaks of quality and Machine Translation in the same breath shall be cast asunder. Many of the assembled throng did agree with him wholeheartedly that this was true.

And Renato was a kind preacher, for he did make no mention of the lowly translator or the need or otherwise for such a loathsome beast. And he did say unto the people before him that when the mighty computer was unable to understand or cope with the complexities of language - such as accents - those complexities would be banished in order that the computer might understand and in order that language might be ‘more present’. For he is truly a prophet and he doth know what the present means and what the future holds.

His disciples did learn from the great Renato that they should practice the principles of simplification and lowest common denominator and they did learn from one of his acolytes that they should speak and write in tongues that the Machine Translation can understand, lest they receive garbled messages.

The mighty Renato did also allow Jaap, another ‘visionary', to spread the Machine Translation gospel and tho Jaap did indeed attempt to extol the wonders of Machine Technology and predicted for those before him that the world shall be unrecognisable in only two years, he was lacking in charm and was unable to equal the persuasive talents of Renato. The translators could not warm to him since he spake of their labours as repetitive and did say unto them that they could not survive unless they worshipped the Machine. He did make them restless with his dire warnings that their translations memories were already obsolete and he did verily cast aspersions on even the most technological of them.

And the translators did mutter amongst themselves, for they were unsure. Whilst they did acknowledge the existence of Machine Translation, they did feel that language is a truly wonderful thing that shall be treasured. Renato had preached to them that quality is a vile word that must henceforth not be spoken and that he who doth use that word should be cast asunder yet they were not persuaded. And so they left the gathering, reassured in the knowledge that theirs is a valuable profession, even though it is not valued by all of those who seek to profit from them.

Yea, that is the task of the translator – that tho his is good work when it goes unnoticed, he shall not be a Doubting Thomas. He shall not be shunned for his belief in the beauty of language, for language is a truly wonderful thing and his is a truly valuable talent.

New joint venture for enterprise language services

(Oranienburg) Industry experts were surprised today as leading companies announced a bold new cooperative language services initiative. Soylent SemantiX GmbH combines the logistics, organizational service excellence of LionWorX Corporation, Poorina, PrAdZ, Googel and one of Germany's oldest human processing centers to harness the power that resides in the machine and the wannabe human translator.

Social reform advocates around the world welcomed the announcement for Soylent's plans to rehabilitate and reintegrate neglected resource potentials worldwide. Concurrent with the announcement of the company's founding and bold expansion plans to locations which include Calcutta (India), an undisclosed location in Myanmar and Harare (Zimbabwe), the new company's CEO, Kurt Kuhgel, revealed the signing of a pilot contract with the Texas state prison system worth USD 30 million. There it is hoped that the large numbers of incarcerated bilingual persons can be repurposed to lower translation and interpreting costs for the state government and local industry. Previous studies of this approach in the People's Republic of China indicated powerful synergies to be unleashed for the benefit of deserving parties.

Concerns that the new approach might undermine the status of current independent language service providers were allayed by revelations of the company's green strategy for translator productivity. At the same time, the implemented flow of work and resources will lower nutritional costs in the Texan program and its scale-ups at other locations. Further efficiencies will be achieved by fully leveraging the potential of the MT/post-editing workflows. The first workshops have already been scheduled in Waikiki, Hawaii to help processing units master the skills needed to surf the machine translation tsunami.

Companies wanting to be part of the future and optimize their language service costs today can contact the SoylentCare Center for more information and a free quotation.

Mao's Revenge

That e-mail like that shown above is perhaps offering me some irresistible bargain on an herbal Viagra alternative made of rhino horn or monkey feces. Hard to tell, though, since I don't read Chinese. Nonetheless, the hardy spammers behind The Great Firewall send me such missives daily, a few dozen times a day. The only result so far has been to increase my natural suspicion of doing business in any form with mainland China. Despite my best efforts to view such transactions neutrally, personal reports over the past three decades from those who have visited clothing factories proposing to make wet suits for a Cousteau company and found workers chained to their sewing machines, adhesives specialists describing the utterly irresponsible, uncontrolled use of solvents in production, factory managers shot for production problems in a refrigerator plant and more than my little brain wants to remember make me question the greedy, headlong rush to outsource everything to the Middle Kingdom and then let it buy up our assets at home with the profits.

Although I wish I knew how to block trash mail like this, for me it is also a useful reminder that we need to choose our business partners carefully. The entry of Chinese LSPs into the service market for European languages in combinations not involving languages in China's region has done nobody any good. Not even the Chinese I suspect, because they are guaranteed to get only very mediocre results at best with the rate structures they favor. I do know one very respectable German colleague who would contradict me on this point. I haven't discussed actual euros and cents with him regarding this matter, but I'll concede the argument to him to this extent that his partner in China is an exception, like the Indian service provider who once paid me about 22 euro cents per German source word for a patent translation. A good partner can be found anywhere in the world, but when confronted with masses of data, a tsunami of cooperation proposals and the potential risks and pitfalls of cross-regional transactions, for those in the US and western Europe, it is usually a complete waste of time to talk translation business for major, non-Asian and non-Slavic language combinations with service providers in many parts of the world. That includes China.

So I have a friendly request for the Party censors there. Please take a little time in your day, stop trying to track down bloggers, artists and others to jail and harass for their "subversive" opinions, and do something to improve your country's image by catching its spammers and subjecting them to public trials (with competent simultaneous or consecutive interpreting, broadcast live on the Internet) and subsequent public execution. If you do, maybe I'll even consider doing a free test translation from German to English for you.

Amazing rates

Sometimes, contrary to the frequently cited rule, collective intelligence is indeed greater than the sum of its parts. Networking with colleagues can often be a source of positive inspiration for dealing with complex, emotionally charged situations.

Many independent translators take umbrage at the modest rates proposed by enterprising LSPs committed to the cornerstone principles of capitalism. Inappropriate responses, such as the No Peanuts! movement, abound, giving the impression that we are whining, ungrateful wretches standing in the way of important evolutionary or devolutionary processes.

Fortunately, there are those among us who take a positive attitude toward the amazing opportunities with which many of us are confronted. Here is a response one colleague recently shared on Facebook, presented here as a template for your use:

Thank you for your interesting inquiry concerning translations from [source language] to [target language].

The proposal of [fill in ridiculous rate] for translation and [fill in other ridiculous rate] for proofreading is more than flattering. However, I do not think my humble work is worthy of such lordly compensation. Normally I charge about [even lower rate]. This client-friendly rate is only possible thanks to the fact that I work about 18-20 hours a day so I am still able to pay the rent. I enjoy working long hours for a good cause.

However, for this opportunity I would like to suggest a colleague of mine, Kurt Kuhgel, who could accept this generous rate. You can find his website under this address: http://bit.ly/bI3ip.

I hope for your understanding.

Please note that the URL in the template is adapted for my own language combination (German to English) and may be modified for your purposes by substituting the relevant language codes.

Laughing at ourselves in Mox's world

In ancient times when I was a college student, there were two popular cartoons in the free papers around Los Angeles that succinctly described the absurdity of existence and helped me to laugh at it: David Lynch’s The Angriest Dog in the World and the Life in Hell strip by a young unknown named Matt Groening. The themes of angst, frustration and loathing of self or others were a mirror in which many on the fringes of that fast lane metropolis could recognize their lives. More than thirty years later, after a peripatetic professional journey, I find myself working as a translator among peers whose real world and imagined tribulations are not unlike the comic characters of my college days. Great leaps forward in communications technology and infrastructures have made the global local, and while this has created opportunities for many, there are also many who feel threatened by the wide-opened world in the shadow of the Machine Translator and the threat of terrorist language monkeys in faraway jungles willing to work for peanuts. Online forums bristle with fear and indignation at the perceived attempts of “big player” agencies – puny enterprises on a global scale with laughable fractions of market share for language services – to enslave poor freelancers and grind down their self-loathing souls further.

Enter Mox’s Blog by the engineer and translator Alejandro Moreno-Ramos. Like Lynch and Groening long ago, he captures the spirit of our fast, confusing times in characters which are archetypes well known in the translation world. I can see more than a little of myself or others in my working environment in all the figures of the strip, even the poor pet turtle, who, like my dog, must endure the topsy-turvy life so common for translators’ companions.

It is an odd phenomenon how the most communicative of visual media are so often the simplest in form. The crude stick figures Alejandro draws accentuate rather than diminish the essential characters and their message. Mox is the brilliant, but wide-eyed innocent who will probably never acquire the self-esteem to demand what he is worth. Long-suffering Lena, his girlfriend, doesn’t understand his world of deadlines and linguistic arcana but loves him nonetheless and is perhaps his only hope of connecting with the real world. Calvo, the experienced translator seduced by the Dark Side, is an ambivalent figure for me. He demonstrates the essential truth that to achieve good fees and respect in the language professions it is often necessary to project an attitude which commands them. He has mastered this well, but at the same time he suffers from ethical deficiencies which cause him to abuse others and which may ultimately lead to his fall. Pam the Evil PM and Bill the Clueless End Client show so many behaviors we encounter to our frustration, but in Mox’s world we can laugh at them and perhaps realize that they hold less sway over us in the real world than we might imagine.

Indeed, laughter is empowering and can build bridges of understanding. In his comic, Alejandro covers a great range of our daily professional frustrations and humiliations, often exaggerating in the manner expected of the medium, but so better revealing the basic truths and the feelings we should acknowledge and respect. There is a little of Mox in me and a little of Calvo, and I welcome this realization for the opportunity to laugh at myself and reflect on how I can improve professionally and personally. I don’t know if agency project managers and other translation buyers would feel the same way about Pam and Bill, but I hope so. The world is much less cruel when we see the humor in it, even in its dark situations. And by bring humor to a profession whose participants too often despair at its absurdities, Alejandro does us all a great service.

A medley of mischief

I don't know how many readers pay attention to the somewhat neglected links in the navigation bar of this blog; I myself often forget what is there. The other day I was telling someone about the excellent translations of the comic poetry of Wilhelm Busch which my ex-wife and another translating friend did many years ago, but I could not say where to find the link (in my navigation bar, of course). Although German, Gabriele used to have quite a gift for written expression in English, and I hope she still does. There's a lot more from Wilhelm Busch, which could inspire future generations of miscreants in English-speaking countries if translated with the right touch. Comics and doggerel poetry are perhaps beneath the dignity of some as they see it, but these media, singly or in combination, often prove just the right elixir to dissolve the angst and confusion of daily routine, yielding a clear solution through which we see the refreshing absurdity of our lives. So have a look at some hilarious 19th century slapstick and have a good Easter weekend!